Research Who You’re Dating Before You Commit

Although you don’t want to have a complete fear of commitment, many people need to have a little more caution about who they choose to date.  Many people are just too happy to be intimately involved with someone or to have the appearance being intimately involved with someone that they neglect to do some of the basic research that can be quite helpful in discovering that their “special” woman or man is really not just “special” to them but to others as well.  If you do some asking around about the person you’re involved with, you just may find some valid things about him or her that he or she has not shared with you.  You may even be surprised with what those who hang around you all of the time can reveal to you about who you’re dating.

You have to have a willingness to listen to what people around you may have to say about the person you’re dating.  Of course, there will be many people out there that will simply hate on the person you’re dating, but you can eliminate those folks by asking them to give you proof to verify what they’re saying.  People who really have some knowledge about the person you’re dating can provide you with some proof of what they’re claiming.

In no way does this piece assert that you should become a private investigator or hire one to investigate the person you’re involved with.  This piece does, however, contend that you should ask that person serious questions and ask questions about the person to people who knew him or her before you did.  You just may be amazed at what you find out!

You can make yourself look like a fool when you go around acting and talking like you have the most special person in the world when that’s the same person who has slept with nearly everyone in town, or has slept with whorish people you know you don’t want to come behind.  You don’t have to turn into an interrogator, but it certainly is a wise decision to asking some probing questions before you truly commit yourself to a person.  A person who is truly committed to you will not mind you asking questions about their past and what he or she is doing right now.

If you discover that the person you’re dating has slept with one of your friends, do you really want to continue to be with that person?

Of course, everyone has a past and if you find out aspects about someone’s past that you don’t like, then that’s up to you how you judge that person for what he or she has done in the past.  For example, if you discover that the person you are dating has been really whorish in the past, you may resolve that this is not the person you want to stay committed to or desire to build anything further.  However, if you learn that someone has slept with your friend or associate since you’ve been together, then you need to reassess whether or not you should be with that person, especially if you’ve asked the person you’re dating if he or she has slept with that person before and the response was no.

Again, don’t go to extremes in your attempts to learn more about the person you’re dating, but do some basic research about your mate.  Start with basic questioning.  If you don’t have open and frank communication with your mate, then the relationship is going to end inevitably anyway.

Before you present the person you’re dating to the public as being so “special,” make sure he or she is not also someone else’s intimately “special” person too.

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison

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9 comments

  1. I thought research would have been in a different context but I can go with this one too. I know it takes me a WHILE before I introduce someone in that manner. I feel you really have to get to know people nowadays and ask questions. I’m never the one to boast about relationships or people, (or even projects I’m working on) but that alone can make you look foolish.

    1. Questioning is fundamental to any research endeavor. Yes, it’s good to wait a significant amount of time before one introduces a person as that special person because that special person may turn out not to be that special at all, especially if we make an effort to learn more about that person. Choosing a mate should be a much more selective process than the process many people are employing today. It’s a significant desire to get attention that causes people to announce someone as being that special person before they really get to know that person.

  2. Awesome post! I could apply this but I cant b/c I don’t introduce people I’m dating. I b/c once you open that seal its hard to keep it fresh. Now you have everyone mouth ears and hands in your relationship that always result in unwanted conversations with your lover. If ppl don’t like who I’m dating then they don’t I would rather get burned on my own than listen for context clues from other and it jeopardize a good thing. Just ask question when you’re dating no subject should be off topic.

    1. Thanks! I very understand your reasoning for not introducing people you’re dating and it’s very good reasoning too. I love your following statement: “…once you open that seal its hard to keep it fresh.” Very true. The key to a successful and sustained relationship is frank and open communication, which is something that I assert that most people are not willing to engage in.

  3. I’m starting to think you are in my head Antonio because this happen to me. Last year, I dated someone and ignored all the warning signs because I was just so excited to kick it with someone new. This person slept with people that I knew, and appears to have some sort of mental illness (bi-polar) so that did not last long. If I knew then, what I know now I would have never gave that person the time of day and waste my time.

    We all learn from our mistakes, and because I was always in two separate long term relationships prior to dating this person, the dating scene was extremely new to me. I value and love myself way too much to allow the joy of just meeting someone new to cause me to ignore the warning signs.

    Another great post, I want to use this one around Valentines Day on the site.

    1. Lol! I get a significant number of email responses, in person responses, and etc. that tell me I must be thinking what they’re thinking all of the time. Lol! We cannot allow our excitement to be with someone keep us from doing some fundamental questioning of this person to make sure that he or she is who we think he or she is. We all make mistakes, however. We’re human so don’t feel bad at all. It will be an honor to have this post featured on your site around St. Valentine’s Day. Thank you!

  4. Your points are crucial–you absolutely must know who you’re dating before you truly commit, or you may be very, very sorry. (I did a post on Stephen Trantel’s, the Long Island Bank Robber’s, wife–she had absolutely no clue that she’d be one day married to a criminal, and had thus done nothing to prepare that could have eased the situation.) I’d go even farther, though–I’m suggesting that you research certain facts about your date early. This is to try to avoid the all-too-common event where you put in time, energy, and romantic prowess–and your date drops you like a hot potato when he gets cold feet. Always check out these warning signs early on, to ensure you’re not dating a commitment phobe, who will never, ever commit. See “Warning Signs Your Date Might Be a Commitment Phobe” at http://wp.me/p22afJ-TV.
    If you get past that, it’s time to buckle down to your very relevant research. You can’t really be too careful.

    1. I agree very much with your points. I agree with you that certain facts about your date need to be investigated early. Yes, you can never really be too careful. Thanks for reading and your excellent response!

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