Low Self-Esteem

Consequences of Being the Other Woman

Adultery

(Photo Credit: Singapore Divorce Lawyers)

Why allow yourself to experience the misery of being “the other woman”? When you become the other woman, you’re exacerbating the low self-esteem problems already present. You should value your body as more than a commodity only useful for a man’s exploitation. If you sleep with a married man, you will suffer numerous consequences. Do wonder why you’ve become such a messy woman? It’s the life you’re living with another woman’s husband. Do you wonder why your depression continues to grow more severe? Yep, you guessed it; it’s the sinful relationship you’re engaged in with a married man.

At some point, you should become exhausted with struggling to find a private room or office or house to have sex in. Is it really worth it? It’s quick, weak and little anyway, right? To cap it all off, you only get it when his wife is away. See, that’s setting yourself up for failure, for pain. You’re an option and not a constant.

Men who commit adultery typically have several other women. When you, therefore, sleep with him, you’re just one of several to get his little filthy genitals. He’s nasty and you’re nasty; he’s a whore and you’re a whore.

In short, stop being a whore and get your own man. Leave that woman’s husband alone.

Dr. Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison

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10 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem

Man Crying

(Photo Credit: The Telegraph)

Numerous people can benefit from a significant improvement in their self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem or unsatisfactory self-esteem, don’t be ashamed; take steps to boost it. You possess the authority necessary to take control of your life. A healthy self-esteem is essential for a healthy life to materialize. Recognizing how important a strong self-esteem is to a productive and fulfilling life, this piece offers ten tips to aid you in strengthening your self-esteem.

1. Take Charge of Your Own Life. This is your life—choose what you want it to do for you. Make life submit to you; don’t allow it to dominate you.

2. Accept the Notion that You Are Responsible for You. When you claim responsibility for your life and are able to own your failures and celebrate your successes, you place yourself on the path to a healthier self-esteem.

3. Reject Those Committed to Destroying You. Surround yourself with people committed to building you up and advancing you. Disconnect from those who consistently attempt to undermine and attack you. Refuse to allow your friends and family to destroy you with their words and actions. If necessary, separate yourself from them.

4. Speak Positive Words to Yourself. People with an unproductive self-esteem constantly speak negative words to themselves. Their thought-life is consumed with self-defeating thoughts and images.

5. Take Calculated Risks. If you’re going to reach your full potential, comfort zones must be eradicated. Comfort zones kill dreams; comfort zones extinguish passions; comfort zones limit possibilities. Never permit the fear of failure to prevent you from tackling a challenge.

6. Discontinue Comparing Yourself to Others. Focus on yourself. Become the best version of yourself possible.

7. Love Yourself. You will never experience true happiness and joy when you fail to love yourself.

8. Be Trustworthy and Loyal. Let your words and actions prove you to be trustworthy and loyal.

9. Win with Grace, Lose with Class. Be a great winner and lose honorably.

10. Be a Giver. Being an authentic giver fills you with joy and dismantles the elements that compose low self-esteem.

Dr. Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison    

The Spotlight

Spotlight

For many people, they have a great desire to be in the spotlight.  When many of these individuals get their chance to be in the spotlight they fail.  Many people are going to have to learn that they are simply not ready to have the spotlight turned on them.  Each time you have your opportunity to be in the spotlight and you keep failing while in it means it’s not your time to be in the spotlight.  Learn how to sit back and learn from others who are successful in the spotlight more before you try to claim the spotlight.  Some people will have to face the harsh reality that the spotlight is simply not for them.

You also have to understand that having the spotlight all of the time is not necessarily a good thing.  Some people are embarrassing themselves in the spotlight.  The only reason many people have the spotlight is people enjoy laughing at how stupid they are performing in the spotlight.  What may be even more sad than this is many of these individuals don’t know that people are laughing at them, instead of laughing with them.  Don’t become so desperate for attention that you will be willing to do anything to get it.  Unfortunately, too many people are willing to go to extremes to get attention.

If you’re really worthy of being in the spotlight, you will not have to beg or force you way into it.  Most people who authentically deserve to be in the spotlight have an opportunity to be in the spotlight.  Of course, there are many well-deserving people who should be in the spotlight but are not in it.  Many people who do thankless work and who do charitable work go without the proper recognition they deserve.  It is people like those who do thankless and charitable work who need to be in the spotlight and not people who are engaging in a whole bunch of foolishness.

A person is really vain who says that he or she deserves to be in the spotlight, especially when no one else says he or she deserves to be in the spotlight.

Many people who are in the spotlight and have been in the spotlight can tell you that it’s not all good as you think it may be to be in the spotlight.  If you’re always chasing after the spotlight, you will live a completely empty life.  Chasing the spotlight means you’re constantly looking for someone to validate who you are.  You must learn to validate yourself.  Don’t always look for someone else to let you know that you are special.

Don’t get angry when people laugh at you when you force your way into the spotlight and were not ready for it.  Learn to be patient and wait for your opportunity to shine to naturally arrive.

People are not going to think you should be in the spotlight just because you are always speaking the loudest, always feel you need to be the one who’s talking, always feel the need to make a grand entrance when you walk into a room, and/or always saying ridiculous things on your Facebook page just to get attention.

To succeed in the spotlight, you must earn the spotlight.

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison

You Cannot Lead Anyone When You Need to Be Led

While there is a need for more non-profit organizations, everyone is not qualified to start and lead a non-profit organization.  Too many people are talking about starting a non-profit organization for the wrong reasons.  The people who are talking about forming non-profit organizations for the wrong reasons need to be led.  They don’t need to be presiding over anyone.  Some of the erroneous reasons people are talking about developing non-profit organizations are as follows: (1) simply because they are unemployed; (2) they are using discourse about starting a non-profit organization for self-aggrandizement; (3) starting a non-profit organization is the only thing they can think of to do; and (4) they need something to boost their self-esteem and this augmenting of their self-esteem has nothing to do with helping the people the organization is supposed to be founded to serve.

You have to have some qualifications, experience, skills, and accomplishments to lead people.  Traditional qualifications, experience, skills, and accomplishments are not always requisite to being able to lead people effectively, but your qualifications, experience, skills, and accomplishments must be genuine.  You cannot be an effective leader of an organization by just randomly thinking you are qualified to be a leader of an organization.  Leading, starting, and managing an effective non-profit organization is not easy.  In fact, it’s quite challenging.  If you don’t have a true love for helping people, then don’t talk about starting a non-profit organization.  Starting an effective non-profit organization is not something you can just jump up and do.  It’s also deeply offensive to the strenuous and thorough work that leaders of effective non-profit organizations do to pretend like you are serious about starting a non-profit organization when you know that you are going to do it.

For those Black men who don’t have a true commitment to launching non-profit ventures that focus on mentoring young Black males, don’t play with the serious need of mentoring young Black males simply for the vain purposes you are toying with starting a non-profit undertaking supposedly for them.  The need to ameliorate the lives of disadvantaged Black males is far too important for people to be playing around with.  For those who are attention hungry and simply see talking about starting a non-profit organization for Black males or youth in general, you need to understand that our children are too precious and important for you to attempt to use them for your own selfish gains.

We all need good people in our lives to provide us with support.  Many authentic leaders are among us.  It is vital, however, for those who are not leaders to understand that they are not leaders.  You know when you are not a leader and you know when you’re not willing to lead or don’t have what it takes to lead.  Everyone was not created to be a leader—face it!  Just as we need leaders to be great leaders, we need followers to be great followers.  The work of great leaders is significantly buttressed when they are able to benefit from great followers.

When you find yourself experiencing daily bouts with self-doubt and self-pity, the harsh reality is you are not ready and fit to lead.  There’s nothing wrong with knowing when you need to be led and when you are not ready and/or capable of leading.  It’s always critical for human beings to seek and embrace the truth, for this is the essence of what “being real” is.  Sorry to break the much needed news to you, but you don’t become a leader just by calling yourself one and pretending like you are one.

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Put Praise in Its Proper Context to Avoid Delusions

When people are not accustomed to receiving praise, they can become prime candidates to allow praise to fool them into “acting brand new.” Okay, a person can be excused for “acting brand new” for as long as two weeks, but any longer than that he or she starts to drift into a delusional state. Let’s admit it—we all love praise. Praise makes us all feel good and gives us assurance that we’re doing something right. There’s nothing wrong with embracing, receiving, and enjoying praise. However, don’t let praise change who you are. Don’t let praise fool you!

Now, just because a small group of people have told you that you do something well, and you have never received any larger praise from outside of this small group about what they claim you do well, then you certainly shouldn’t let what they say go to your head. You don’t become an expert or a star in a certain area just because a small group of people give you high praise. Sorry to tell you. The initial praise you receive for something should cause you to work passionately on ameliorating and progressing in this area. You should not think that a small amount of praise you get should ascend you to stardom.

Unfortunately, some people will take praise from a small group of people and become super arrogant and actually fool themselves that they are even greater than the praise they received. Stop for one moment. Think about the people who gave you the praise. Look at them. What are their qualifications to give you praise in the area they did? Are there any discernable motivations for granting the praise that is really not about the praise, but more about serving their own selfish interests? Before you go ahead and act like you are great in the area you received high praise in, you should at least wait until you have gained praise from a much large number of people. This piece is not trying to argue that you need to seek other people’s approval, but if you have truly mastered something, you will earn more praise than from a small group of people.

Some people will take praise from a small group of people and start living a lifestyle that they know is not true—they just know that the small group of people they hang around will continue to feed into this false lifestyle by continuing to validate them with praise.

When you know you have much more things to work on in the area that you are praised in, don’t let praise keep you from improving in this area. Just because you have never been the center of attention before, and you finally meet a small group of people who give you high praise, don’t think that this high praise you get represents truth. Praise is not always truth. Praise is often encouragement, encouragement for you to keep trying, improving, and progressing.

People with low self-esteem will hide behind the high praise of a small group of people and will never want to encounter a larger group of people to be examined by it. Some people know that the high praise that they are receiving from a small group of people is not true, but they still keep acting like it’s not true. Is this the type of praise you need to continue to endure life? Hope not. This type of praise can cause you to live a lie. Praise that is not grounded in truth will not benefit you in the end.

Praise is good when you know what to do with it. Although you may be receiving praise from a small group of people or even a large number of people, you need to link that praise to an internal truth. If you know that the praise people are giving you is not true, work on improving in this area. Don’t fake it until you make it. Faking it until you make it is living a lie–that’s not truly being yourself!

Using praise from a small group of people to create a false reality about yourself is not simply “acting brand new,” it means you are consumed with delusions—a psychological illness. Don’t rush praise into something that it’s not.

Some people will take praise from a small group of people and think they are better than everybody else. For those who intentionally do this, may God help you soon—you are simply delusional. Don’t let people and praise fool you. Know thyself. Be thyself .

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison

People Always Want to Have Something on You

The more successful, popular, intelligent, attractive, articulate, athletic, and/or etc. you are, the more people will go to extremes to try to find something on you to use it against you. Even when you are transparent, open, and unbothered by negative criticism, people will still go to extremes to find something on you to attempt to bring you down. I would also like you all to be watchful of even jokes people make about you because jokes are often used as furtive vehicles for viciously attacking a person and/or trying to make the person feel uncomfortable, terrible, and/or degraded. For those of you who are tremendously transparent, open, and unbothered by negative criticism, as I am, you don’t have to reveal every single thing to people to continue to feel within yourself that you are still transparent, open, and unbothered by negative criticism. When you don’t give those who are seeking to critique or evaluate you the information they are so eager to receive, then don’t feel like you are wavering on your tremendously transparent, open, and unbothered by negative criticism nature.

When people attempt to negatively criticize you or attack you for not giving them the information they desire so that they can use it as a potential opportunity to have something on you, I recommend for you to take this as an opportunity to turn their malevolent attempts into opportunities to unnerve them. You can unnerve them by asking them questions about their motivations for seeking the information they are requesting and asking them why it is so important for them to get the information. When you are clear that they have intentional negative motivations for obtaining the information, go ahead and begin to unsettle them with probing observations and critiques about them. Let them know you know they are trying to hate on you.

What people who attempt to gain negative information on people to use the information against these people don’t understand they are wasting their time. When people have earned such a distinguished reputation and record, their reputation and record is difficult to sabotage. I am not suggesting that people seeking to destroy your reputation and record with negative information cannot succeed, but I want to comfort those of you concerned about people using negative information against you that you should not fear them.

While many of the motivations for people wanting to have something on you to use it against you are conspicuous, I will be spending a little time in the future just thinking about more complex motivations they may have. I will let you all know the fruits of my reflections too.

If you are a person who is always seeking to use something against someone, I would like to hear from you to better understand people like you. If you are afraid to place a comment on my blog, then feel free to contact me at antoniomdaniels@gmail.com.

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Black Men Masquerading: Part 4

Black Gay Men

Before I begin with the true purpose of this piece, would any of you like to tell me why you have so much pride in saying, “I’m in deez streets”? This sounds quite ignorant to me. Well, let me get immediately to the focus of this piece: gay Black men who feel they have to be so extreme about how they express their sexuality. Many homosexuals feel like they have to tell the world they are gay. If you feel the need to do this, then I really don’t have a problem with you. I do, however, have problems with those of you who are just being so flamboyant to get attention. When you are being overly flamboyant intentionally, you are not being your true self—you are simply being vain and hiding who you truly are. Some of you gay Black men invest too much time in making sure that people know you are gay and making sure that you get attention. You are robbing yourself of the true fullness life has to offer you. Let me also tell you that just publicly promulgating that you are gay does not mean that you are “real,” that is, not masquerading. While you may be very open and honest about what you elect to do in your bedroom, this does not excuse you from the other areas in your life you are dishonest about.

I have heard too many gay Black men claim degrees they don’t have, claim men they don’t have, claim homes they don’t have, claim jobs they don’t have, claim cars they don’t have, and claim clothes they don’t have. Why do you all do this? It seems that you do this because you are compensating for something you are missing. What is it? What are you missing? Yeah, you are comfortable with your sexuality, but why are you not comfortable in other important areas?

Why do so many gay Black men participate in gay pride parades? I have no problem with you loving the fact that you are gay and that there are other gay folk around you to love. However, don’t gay pride parades amount to nothing more than vain cries for attention? If you are so sure about yourself, why do you have to go to such extremes for recognition and attention? It seems to me, therefore, that gay people in general are going to have to do more examining of their personal deceptions—just as much as they are asking heterosexual people to do. By the way, to those gay Black men who believe all men are gay, I want you to know that all men are not gay so stop saying this.

If gay Black men want to benefit from an America that is more honest, then they need to be more honest themselves. When you are intentionally being overly flamboyant, I want you to stop and think about how you are really being fake. Don’t be so overly flamboyant that you end up sleeping with all of the men it is possible to sleep with. Please have some standards for yourself. HIV/AIDS has no concern with your desire for attention.

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison