Victimization

Liberate Yourself from People Using You
Photo Credit: Los Angeles Post-Examiner

When you transition to living a life free from allowing folks to take advantage of you, it’s a liberating experience. It’s not about revenge against those individuals who have used you; it’s about giving yourself a chance to be, to live, to breathe. If you’re living a life where you’re constantly serving every beck and call of others, then it’s time to stop. In fact, it has been time for you to end such an unhealthy, unproductive lifestyle.

Recognize that people will continue to take advantage of you as long as you allow them. You must muster the will and courage to stop doing this to yourself. After all, those people who have used you could only do what you permitted.

Once you close the door to users ever being able to use you again, leave that door closed forever.

When you’ve truly given yourself an opportunity to live free from leeches, folks always with their hands out looking for what you can do for them, it’s time for you to celebrate. Celebrate what? Celebrate your newfound freedom, or the rediscovering of such freedom. You deserve it!

You don’t have to announce you’ve closed that door to those individuals forever. Let your actions inform them. When they see your actions speaking, they will see your new liberated self.

People will start to realize they need to give you something before you continue to pour into their lives. This new liberated self isn’t about embracing selfishness—it’s about granting yourself the right to experience personal equity and justice. One shouldn’t passionately fight for equity and justice for others and not extend that same equity and justice to herself or himself.

Yes, those who have used you will begin to make some of the following comments: “You’re acting funny now,” “You’re acting brand new now,” “You weren’t really for me in the first place,” and “You weren’t doing things for me out of the kindness of your heart; you were always looking for something in return.” That last comment really strives to make you feel guilty and compel you to return to a life of bondage.

Never taste the sweet nectar of freedom and then revert to bondage.

Fight for you; fight for your freedom.

If people who have only taken from you want something now, respond to them by inquiring about what they plan to do for you in exchange for what they desire. This dramatically changes the power dynamics: it moves you from being a pushover to the person who holds all the cards.

When you understand that you hold all the cards, you will exercise your power to thwart attempts to victimize you.

Dr. Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison   

Err on the Side of Caution and Watch Your Words

Talking Behind My Back

Individuals can sometimes make statements about someone that emerge from lapses in good judgment.  Before you make statements about someone, be sure you have all of the facts about what you intend to say so that you don’t look like a fool in the end.  Many people who are so quick to make comments about someone don’t have the emotional strength to handle the backlash their words can engender.  When you’re not having the best day and/or have an attitude, err on the side of caution with what you say.

The things you say have power—whether those things you say bring you positive or negative returns.

When you directly or indirectly make bold statements about someone, the person who often really has the problem is you.  Many people rather deflect their problems by attempting to attack others.  After you finish attempting to attack others, your problems will still be there.  What are you going to do about your own problems?  Why waste time trying to draw attention to other people’s problems when your life is a mess?  Clean up the mess in your own house before you focus on the challenges other people face in their houses.

It can be amazing how people think they know so much about someone when they don’t really know anything about him or her.  Don’t be foolish enough to say things to others and in public that you’re basing off an inkling.  You damage any credibility you have left when you do things like this.  If you feel confident enough to make bold statements about someone, why not ask him or her to confirm your statements?  Why not confront the person first about what you have to say before you express it to others?  Are you really as real as you’re claiming or pretending to be?

Your words can do damage to relationships and that damage may not be able to be repaired.  This may not matter for some or many of your relationships.  There will be, however, some relationships that you have damaged that you will regret.  Without question, there’s nothing wrong with being bold.  We certainly need more truly bold people in America.  Let good judgment guide your efforts at being bold and “keeping it a hundred.”  A person may never let you know you damaged your relationship with him or her.  He or she may seem to act different and you will not really understand why, especially if you thought something you said didn’t get to him or her or went over his or her head.

You will always end up having to pay for your reckless choice of words.

When you call people out about the bold statements they made about you, they begin to become defensive about what they said, as if they’re the victim.  Really?  You’re the victim?  The moment you made the bold statements about someone while you were “keeping it a hundred,” “being real,” and demonstrating how bold you are you should have thought about being the victim then.  You should, therefore, own what you’ve said and not try to present yourself as a victim when you are the victimizer.

Yes, there’s nothing wrong with being yourself—just make sure you’re committed to owning up to all you do and say.  When you say things about people, they’re going to retaliate—be ready!  It’s only fair for those who you attempted to shame to give you a little of your own medicine.  Fair is fair, right?

Antonio Maurice Daniels

University of Wisconsin-Madison